If only you could see

If only you could see
the bitterness in my heart
where there once was just a void
now sat there
like a small child
in a large empty room
with no doors and no windows
as I tell it to stay down
like I have done
to anger
to sorrow
same body, same spot,
but different form
as it grows from sorrow to anger to bitterness
all the while I tell it to stay down.

I put up pictures of myself
To remind myself of how awesome I am
To remind myself of good times
Good things
Good places
Good people
Because they say that good vibes is what keeps negativity at bay.
It’s what keeps the beast at bay.
There is only so much you can control someone.
Some day, that small child will grow so big and break free.
But until then,
I tell it to stay down.

They ask me “Why don’t you drink?”
I say “Personal reasons”
They ask me again “Why don’t you drink?”
I say “Because, religion”
The truth is,
I don’t drink because I’m afraid of what comes out of me
when I lose control.

If only you could see
the bitterness inside of me
that I force into submission
waiting to break free
I don’t know if you could still love me
for the beast that I am.

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Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

Yesterday my grandmother passed away. Today her body was buried.

 

I’m embarrassed to admit it but rather than feel sorrowful, I feel relieved. It’s been a long journey with so much drama since she had a stroke in 2012 and finally it ended. I know I always have a delayed response to sorrow – maybe in a week or two when I miss her then I’ll start crying about it.

After all that has happened until today, all I want to do now is rest and sleep. Finally I have 1 less thing to worry about and 1 less responsibility to deal with. Relieved is the appropriate word to use. I never realised how tired I truly have been.

It’s the start of the new year in the Islamic calendar today. It is a Friday today with light rain. What great timing. I hope it is a good sign.

 

Allahummaghfirlahu warhamhu wa’afihi wa’fu’anhu.Β 

This house is not mine.

I’m so tired of living in a shared space with people who cannot understand the meaning of sharing space. When one has a shared space, one should be mindful of the others living together in the shared space and contribute equally to it. I guess to some people, civility and thoughtfulness only applies to strangers that share a space but not to family members. Why so? Why? That is the question I have been asking myself all these years. Why shouldn’t the same rules that apply to strangers apply to family members as well?

I have tried my best to contribute to the shared space. I try not to draw lines and be calculative in my contribution. However, I think I have reached my limit. I am sharing a space with one person who barely contributes, and another who makes up for the other person and complains about having too much work to do. I just can’t take the drama anymore. I am so done trying to get the lazy person to put in effort, and at the same time make things easier for the too hardworking person. But alas, my words and actions fall on deaf ears. I am like Super Nanny (albeit an unpaid one!) who is trying to fix this family and has implemented various methods for the family to follow through, but the family couldn’t care less about following through and regressed back to its original state.

I am so tired of being the person who is trying to get this shit together. And the person who is not here to share this space with me has the easy job of criticising me and pushing the burden of responsibility on me.

The more I accept that this house is not mine, the better it is for me. Once I let go of the idea of ownership in this shared space, the simpler things get. I don’t have to constantly look out for others at my own expense and I don’t have to care or worry about anything else but myself.

 

I am so done now. I am just going to look out for myself. I wash my hands clean of everything else.

UTI and Kidney Stones.

Yesterday, I was diagnosed with UTI and suspected to have kidney stones. See the thing about illnesses like these is that I never though it would happen to me. I had always thought that these are illnesses that affect older people and especially for UTI, I was always under the impression that it was more likely to occur among women who are more sexually promiscuous (you know, play anal then the dick go back into pussy kinda thing).

Well, after being diagnosed I had to reeducate myself on UTI, kidney stones, and to a larger extent, gout. I am reminded once again of an acquaintance of mine who at the age of 27 years old was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. Illness knows no age, no youth, and no matter how healthy we try to keep our lives, bad things do happen too.

I admit that I hadn’t been taking care of my health as much as I should. I keep telling myself to exercise more and practice a healthier diet post-Ramadan. But I guess the illness had gone into motion in the time I was busy procrastinating about taking better care of my health. In a way, it’s good to have such an illness to compel me to be committed towards my health goals.

Currently, I am on antibiotics for the UTI and I have been prescribed with painkillers to deal with the pain until I pass out the kidney stones. I have to drink more water daily – am committing myself to drink at least 2L of water, like really committing myself and doing it. I have a company health screening in exactly 1 week from yesterday and hopefully by then the kidney stones have somehow dissolved and passed out from my system. Will update more about my condition after the health screening next week. Till then, I’m putting up with the pain and praying for the best.

Simplifying my life.

I choose to make my life simpler. And I work to achieve that by minimising what I have – be it in terms of material things around the house, to the commitments or projects I undertake, or even to the social circle I keep.

My guiding principle to the process of minimising what I have is the simple question of asking myself “What adds value to my life?” That itself is sufficient for me to determine what items to keep and what items to throw/donate. I have learnt how to detach myself from material things through the constant reminder that when I die, none of these things will follow me to my grave. That feeling of not being attached to worldly things is so liberating and it gives me a sense of serenity within me. This is also why I no longer keep mementos. Mementos tend to make me relive the past and I do not want to be caught up wishing to go back to the past – no matter how good the memory is, especially how good the memory is – because I want to focus on living and enjoying today.

With respect to commitments and projects, I have learnt how to say “No” without feeling guilty for doing so. I believe in the importance of doing less but making sure that whatever little I’m doing has the maximum output value to my life. This is where I apply the Pareto principle. Since I’ve used this method, I find that I am finally able to complete whatever I have undertaken and that in itself gives me the most satisfaction and thus the most value to my life. I have learnt that saying “No” to certain people or things doesn’t equate me to being an asshole. The good people respect my decision regardless of whether I have provided an explanation for my rejection. Those who respond negatively only proves to show me their lack of character.

This brings me to my next point – the social circle I choose to keep. I have let go of friends who no longer add value to my life. I do not keep friends who do not stand by me in times of hardship when I go to great lengths to be there for them. I no longer hold on to friendships that are already dying and hanging by a thread because we have all grown apart. As an adult, I am much busier now trying to cope with my responsibilities. It leaves me with very little time, energy, thoughts, and emotions for my social circle. Therefore, I choose only the best for me to invest my precious time, energy, thoughts, and emotions on. I choose to have deeper and more meaningful friendships with people who can add light and positivity to my life. Not only that, I choose people who can enrich my mind and my soul – who can teach me new things and motivate me to be a better version of myself. I am too old for drama right now so I avoid the kinds of people who tend to create drama. I also avoid spending too much time on social media – that is one place where so much drama happens. The less time I spend on social media, the more time I have to enrich my life, and the more time I have to actually sit down and meet up with my friends.

I don’t apologise for the choices I choose to make. It might seem selfish. But I honestly do not believe that it is wrong for me to want something better for myself. A better reality for myself in which I am at peace, satisfied and serene. By simplifying my life, I am able to avoid unnecessary drama and focus on the important things in life. I maximise my time and effort on the things that matter so much to me and these are the things that give the most satisfaction to me. At the end of the day, all these worldly things are only temporary. The less I am attached and caught up in it, the better it is for me to focus on the hereafter. Keeping my life simple has made me become a better Muslim and a better human.

Kematian.

Sejak kebelakangan ini, aku sering memikir tentang kematian. Aku rasa aku mula banyak pikiran sejak mendengar berita kematian orang-orang muda – seorang polis trafik yang meninggal dunia pada usia 29 tahun semasa bertugas, dan selepas itu Shea Rasol seorang blogger fesyen dari Malaysia yang meninggal dunia akibat kanser. Macam-macam soalan di dalam otakku:

Macam mana tu rasanya mati?
Macam mana tu rasanya nyawa ditarik?
Macam mana tu rasanya kesakitan kematian?
Sedangkan Rasulullah sendiri takut akan kesakitan kematian and mendoa agar dimudahkan untuk menghadapi sakratul maut.
Sedangkan Rasulullah itu maksum dan itu pun rasa kesakitan itu sangat teruk sampai Rasulullah sendiri tidak mahu ummat baginda merasainya.
Macam mana tu rasanya di dalam kubur?
Menantikan hari dibangkitkan.
Berapa lama tu agaknya harus menunggu?
Sambil menahan siksaan kubur.
Sambil menahan rasa kesal.
Sambil menahan sebak kerana tiada orang boleh membantu.
Seorang je di situ.
Pekik terlolong pun tak guna.
Tak ada orang yang akan dengar.
Tak ada orang yang akan membantu.

Dulu aku pernah kata, aku tak takut apa-apa. Tak ada fobia pada apa-apa.
Sekarang, aku ada satu fobia. Iaitu phobia kematian.
Ye, memang semua orang akan mati. Tetapi, tak sanggup aku nak menahan process kematian, dan apa yang terjadi seterusnya. Aku pernah rasa sakit. Sakit dari segi fizikal. Sampai sekarang aku masih ingat sakit macam mana. Ya Allah, tak sanggup aku hidup menderita.

Aku takut. Really, honestly, betul-betul aku cakap. Aku takut. Takut mati.

The thought of going through pain on my own, all alone, worries me. Scares me.

Sebab tu aku cuba nak berubah dan menjadi insan yang baik. Aku sangat heran akan orang yang kata mereka takut mati tapi hidup macam dia tak takut mati.

Takpelah. Aku utamakan diriku dulu. Betulkan diriku. Buat yang terbaik untuk diriku. Untuk hidupku dan untuk matiku.