UTI and Kidney Stones.

Yesterday, I was diagnosed with UTI and suspected to have kidney stones. See the thing about illnesses like these is that I never though it would happen to me. I had always thought that these are illnesses that affect older people and especially for UTI, I was always under the impression that it was more likely to occur among women who are more sexually promiscuous (you know, play anal then the dick go back into pussy kinda thing).

Well, after being diagnosed I had to reeducate myself on UTI, kidney stones, and to a larger extent, gout. I am reminded once again of an acquaintance of mine who at the age of 27 years old was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. Illness knows no age, no youth, and no matter how healthy we try to keep our lives, bad things do happen too.

I admit that I hadn’t been taking care of my health as much as I should. I keep telling myself to exercise more and practice a healthier diet post-Ramadan. But I guess the illness had gone into motion in the time I was busy procrastinating about taking better care of my health. In a way, it’s good to have such an illness to compel me to be committed towards my health goals.

Currently, I am on antibiotics for the UTI and I have been prescribed with painkillers to deal with the pain until I pass out the kidney stones. I have to drink more water daily – am committing myself to drink at least 2L of water, like really committing myself and doing it. I have a company health screening in exactly 1 week from yesterday and hopefully by then the kidney stones have somehow dissolved and passed out from my system. Will update more about my condition after the health screening next week. Till then, I’m putting up with the pain and praying for the best.

An Open Letter to R.

Dear R,
I’m sorry for what happened between us. I know that I was such a coward and I didn’t handle things well between us. I’m truly very sad for our friendship ending in that way. Just know that in spite of what happened, I still leave the door open for both of us. But our friendship will not be the same way as it used to be. I have changed – I am no longer the person I was before – so I cannot reciprocate in the same way any more.

I am writing this open letter to you, knowing fully that the chance of you reading this would be so slim. But even if you do, and even if you could read, I know that you will misread and misunderstand what I say here and we’d end up arguing again. I am writing it anyway because there were so many things that I wanted to say to you but I just couldn’t be upfront with you about it. I just couldn’t. This whole matter was more about me, and I didn’t want unnecessary drama, as your life has enough drama as it is. I would like to find some peace within myself by talking about this in a safe space and letting this burden go.

I have to be honest with myself about myself. I regret that you have always been honest with me, but I have never been with you. I hope you understand that I am not as simple and kind as you, and for me not being always honest is a defense mechanism. You were someone I had met on the internet, and there was very little information about your background for me to check and verify. You were a complete stranger. You didn’t have any at all except for that strand of history of your uncle that you said worked at my previous company but I have no idea who he is. You were a complete stranger to me. And so I thought, hey why not? You had no links to me and so I could just up and leave and not leave a trace. Thus, I agreed to be your fuck buddy. And I wished that things had stayed that way.

I thought I can do fuck buddies. Every single time, I think I’d be ok. But guess what? That was just a fallacy in my head. Truth is, I just can’t do fuck buddies. It hurts to admit the truth because I’d always saw myself as a strong woman who could fuck anyone I want and just leave like any other guy. Guess I’m not like that. Deep deep down inside me I want to be loved by a man. It hurts me knowing that I’m seeking the love I want from a non-existent lover for a short limited time with any ‘friend’ willing to do that favour for me. It’s kind of like a drug where I just take it and enjoy the high. But when I come down from the high, I crash into the floor – hard.

You came into my life at a time when I was very vulnerable – I just came out from a breakup. In my folly, I was just looking for something to fill up that void. I thought I’d just have fun with you until I get bored of you and leave. We both said we’d just be friends. And I wished you’d have kept it at that by treating me as just as a friend. But you were too kind, too sweet, and you’d say all the sweet nice things when we cuddle. Pft, cuddle! We’d cuddle! Who does that? You treated me like the wife you wish you’d had. To be honest, things were really good when we treated each other as just friends. When I helped you out, it was on the account that you were my friend. But over time, you got more affectionate with me. Giving me nicknames, and even telling me you “sayang” me. I couldn’t deal with that.

The more affectionate you were with me, the more it hurt me inside. The more miserable I felt about what I didn’t have. And it was made even worse when I realised that I couldn’t have what I want with you. You couldn’t be what I desired. You weren’t in a place to give me what I wanted. And in so many other aspects you didn’t have I looked for in a partner. We were not compatible. But you and your affection and your kindess and your full trust in me played up the fallacy in my head. It made me even more aware for what my heart truly aches for and made me hate myself for playing into the fallacy when my consciousness knew full well that this is only an idea in my head that would never ever materialise.

I couldn’t deal with that. So I couldn’t continue being friends with you and helping you sort your life out. You were a constant reminder of how pathetic my life was or had become. I wanted a different reality for myself. I wanted to be truly honest with myself. I wanted to learn to seek solace with God and to heal my aching heart.

I’m sorry you got involved in all of this. And you didn’t know the storms that were going on inside of me. I’m sorry that I left without truly explaining to you what happened. I’m sorry you were a crutch for me in my vulnerability – a tool to be used only for that particular time. I’m sorry you were a casualty in all of this. I pray to God that you will find it in your heart to forgive me and move on. I hope you do not think that henceforth all women are like me. I do enjoy the friendship that we had for that brief moment in time. I appreciate it. Things happen in a particular moment in time and they all happen for a reason. I think we are both now at different places in time, and we can no longer be friends in the same way again. Once again, I truly hope and pray that you will forgive me and move on. I wish you the best in your life journey. May God make things easy for you, and not make it difficult for you.

Simplifying my life.

I choose to make my life simpler. And I work to achieve that by minimising what I have – be it in terms of material things around the house, to the commitments or projects I undertake, or even to the social circle I keep.

My guiding principle to the process of minimising what I have is the simple question of asking myself “What adds value to my life?” That itself is sufficient for me to determine what items to keep and what items to throw/donate. I have learnt how to detach myself from material things through the constant reminder that when I die, none of these things will follow me to my grave. That feeling of not being attached to worldly things is so liberating and it gives me a sense of serenity within me. This is also why I no longer keep mementos. Mementos tend to make me relive the past and I do not want to be caught up wishing to go back to the past – no matter how good the memory is, especially how good the memory is – because I want to focus on living and enjoying today.

With respect to commitments and projects, I have learnt how to say “No” without feeling guilty for doing so. I believe in the importance of doing less but making sure that whatever little I’m doing has the maximum output value to my life. This is where I apply the Pareto principle. Since I’ve used this method, I find that I am finally able to complete whatever I have undertaken and that in itself gives me the most satisfaction and thus the most value to my life. I have learnt that saying “No” to certain people or things doesn’t equate me to being an asshole. The good people respect my decision regardless of whether I have provided an explanation for my rejection. Those who respond negatively only proves to show me their lack of character.

This brings me to my next point – the social circle I choose to keep. I have let go of friends who no longer add value to my life. I do not keep friends who do not stand by me in times of hardship when I go to great lengths to be there for them. I no longer hold on to friendships that are already dying and hanging by a thread because we have all grown apart. As an adult, I am much busier now trying to cope with my responsibilities. It leaves me with very little time, energy, thoughts, and emotions for my social circle. Therefore, I choose only the best for me to invest my precious time, energy, thoughts, and emotions on. I choose to have deeper and more meaningful friendships with people who can add light and positivity to my life. Not only that, I choose people who can enrich my mind and my soul – who can teach me new things and motivate me to be a better version of myself. I am too old for drama right now so I avoid the kinds of people who tend to create drama. I also avoid spending too much time on social media – that is one place where so much drama happens. The less time I spend on social media, the more time I have to enrich my life, and the more time I have to actually sit down and meet up with my friends.

I don’t apologise for the choices I choose to make. It might seem selfish. But I honestly do not believe that it is wrong for me to want something better for myself. A better reality for myself in which I am at peace, satisfied and serene. By simplifying my life, I am able to avoid unnecessary drama and focus on the important things in life. I maximise my time and effort on the things that matter so much to me and these are the things that give the most satisfaction to me. At the end of the day, all these worldly things are only temporary. The less I am attached and caught up in it, the better it is for me to focus on the hereafter. Keeping my life simple has made me become a better Muslim and a better human.

Kematian.

Sejak kebelakangan ini, aku sering memikir tentang kematian. Aku rasa aku mula banyak pikiran sejak mendengar berita kematian orang-orang muda – seorang polis trafik yang meninggal dunia pada usia 29 tahun semasa bertugas, dan selepas itu Shea Rasol seorang blogger fesyen dari Malaysia yang meninggal dunia akibat kanser. Macam-macam soalan di dalam otakku:

Macam mana tu rasanya mati?
Macam mana tu rasanya nyawa ditarik?
Macam mana tu rasanya kesakitan kematian?
Sedangkan Rasulullah sendiri takut akan kesakitan kematian and mendoa agar dimudahkan untuk menghadapi sakratul maut.
Sedangkan Rasulullah itu maksum dan itu pun rasa kesakitan itu sangat teruk sampai Rasulullah sendiri tidak mahu ummat baginda merasainya.
Macam mana tu rasanya di dalam kubur?
Menantikan hari dibangkitkan.
Berapa lama tu agaknya harus menunggu?
Sambil menahan siksaan kubur.
Sambil menahan rasa kesal.
Sambil menahan sebak kerana tiada orang boleh membantu.
Seorang je di situ.
Pekik terlolong pun tak guna.
Tak ada orang yang akan dengar.
Tak ada orang yang akan membantu.

Dulu aku pernah kata, aku tak takut apa-apa. Tak ada fobia pada apa-apa.
Sekarang, aku ada satu fobia. Iaitu phobia kematian.
Ye, memang semua orang akan mati. Tetapi, tak sanggup aku nak menahan process kematian, dan apa yang terjadi seterusnya. Aku pernah rasa sakit. Sakit dari segi fizikal. Sampai sekarang aku masih ingat sakit macam mana. Ya Allah, tak sanggup aku hidup menderita.

Aku takut. Really, honestly, betul-betul aku cakap. Aku takut. Takut mati.

The thought of going through pain on my own, all alone, worries me. Scares me.

Sebab tu aku cuba nak berubah dan menjadi insan yang baik. Aku sangat heran akan orang yang kata mereka takut mati tapi hidup macam dia tak takut mati.

Takpelah. Aku utamakan diriku dulu. Betulkan diriku. Buat yang terbaik untuk diriku. Untuk hidupku dan untuk matiku.

Rebranding… Or Respawning?

Just changed my blog name and my whole concept of the blog. It used to primarily focus on my eczema. However, I had so much more on my mind that I want to air out other than just talking about my eczema. I don’t want to be limited to just my affliction/condition. There is more to me than my eczema, and I choose not to be defined by it. Eczema will continue to be a part of my life, and I will still put up posts on all the experiments that I have done in my search to heal it. But I will also have more posts that talk about human behaviour, love, relationships, work, adulting, religion – other aspects of my life that make me who I am. And I hope that one day I will find the courage and the right words to open up about my past traumas, share the lessons learnt, and find peace within myself.

I wouldn’t consider this a rebranding of my blog. But more of a respawning. As I grow older and mature, I change and develop into a different person from who I was before. This blog wouldn’t just have a new look and a new name, but it will have content that aligns with where I am in life right now. It’s still me, but me equipped with more lessons from past mistakes and experiences. So let’s see where Typing Berguruh will take me then!