If only you could see

If only you could see
the bitterness in my heart
where there once was just a void
now sat there
like a small child
in a large empty room
with no doors and no windows
as I tell it to stay down
like I have done
to anger
to sorrow
same body, same spot,
but different form
as it grows from sorrow to anger to bitterness
all the while I tell it to stay down.

I put up pictures of myself
To remind myself of how awesome I am
To remind myself of good times
Good things
Good places
Good people
Because they say that good vibes is what keeps negativity at bay.
It’s what keeps the beast at bay.
There is only so much you can control someone.
Some day, that small child will grow so big and break free.
But until then,
I tell it to stay down.

They ask me “Why don’t you drink?”
I say “Personal reasons”
They ask me again “Why don’t you drink?”
I say “Because, religion”
The truth is,
I don’t drink because I’m afraid of what comes out of me
when I lose control.

If only you could see
the bitterness inside of me
that I force into submission
waiting to break free
I don’t know if you could still love me
for the beast that I am.

Advertisements

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

Yesterday my grandmother passed away. Today her body was buried.

 

I’m embarrassed to admit it but rather than feel sorrowful, I feel relieved. It’s been a long journey with so much drama since she had a stroke in 2012 and finally it ended. I know I always have a delayed response to sorrow – maybe in a week or two when I miss her then I’ll start crying about it.

After all that has happened until today, all I want to do now is rest and sleep. Finally I have 1 less thing to worry about and 1 less responsibility to deal with. Relieved is the appropriate word to use. I never realised how tired I truly have been.

It’s the start of the new year in the Islamic calendar today. It is a Friday today with light rain. What great timing. I hope it is a good sign.

 

Allahummaghfirlahu warhamhu wa’afihi wa’fu’anhu. 

This house is not mine.

I’m so tired of living in a shared space with people who cannot understand the meaning of sharing space. When one has a shared space, one should be mindful of the others living together in the shared space and contribute equally to it. I guess to some people, civility and thoughtfulness only applies to strangers that share a space but not to family members. Why so? Why? That is the question I have been asking myself all these years. Why shouldn’t the same rules that apply to strangers apply to family members as well?

I have tried my best to contribute to the shared space. I try not to draw lines and be calculative in my contribution. However, I think I have reached my limit. I am sharing a space with one person who barely contributes, and another who makes up for the other person and complains about having too much work to do. I just can’t take the drama anymore. I am so done trying to get the lazy person to put in effort, and at the same time make things easier for the too hardworking person. But alas, my words and actions fall on deaf ears. I am like Super Nanny (albeit an unpaid one!) who is trying to fix this family and has implemented various methods for the family to follow through, but the family couldn’t care less about following through and regressed back to its original state.

I am so tired of being the person who is trying to get this shit together. And the person who is not here to share this space with me has the easy job of criticising me and pushing the burden of responsibility on me.

The more I accept that this house is not mine, the better it is for me. Once I let go of the idea of ownership in this shared space, the simpler things get. I don’t have to constantly look out for others at my own expense and I don’t have to care or worry about anything else but myself.

 

I am so done now. I am just going to look out for myself. I wash my hands clean of everything else.

Simplifying my life.

I choose to make my life simpler. And I work to achieve that by minimising what I have – be it in terms of material things around the house, to the commitments or projects I undertake, or even to the social circle I keep.

My guiding principle to the process of minimising what I have is the simple question of asking myself “What adds value to my life?” That itself is sufficient for me to determine what items to keep and what items to throw/donate. I have learnt how to detach myself from material things through the constant reminder that when I die, none of these things will follow me to my grave. That feeling of not being attached to worldly things is so liberating and it gives me a sense of serenity within me. This is also why I no longer keep mementos. Mementos tend to make me relive the past and I do not want to be caught up wishing to go back to the past – no matter how good the memory is, especially how good the memory is – because I want to focus on living and enjoying today.

With respect to commitments and projects, I have learnt how to say “No” without feeling guilty for doing so. I believe in the importance of doing less but making sure that whatever little I’m doing has the maximum output value to my life. This is where I apply the Pareto principle. Since I’ve used this method, I find that I am finally able to complete whatever I have undertaken and that in itself gives me the most satisfaction and thus the most value to my life. I have learnt that saying “No” to certain people or things doesn’t equate me to being an asshole. The good people respect my decision regardless of whether I have provided an explanation for my rejection. Those who respond negatively only proves to show me their lack of character.

This brings me to my next point – the social circle I choose to keep. I have let go of friends who no longer add value to my life. I do not keep friends who do not stand by me in times of hardship when I go to great lengths to be there for them. I no longer hold on to friendships that are already dying and hanging by a thread because we have all grown apart. As an adult, I am much busier now trying to cope with my responsibilities. It leaves me with very little time, energy, thoughts, and emotions for my social circle. Therefore, I choose only the best for me to invest my precious time, energy, thoughts, and emotions on. I choose to have deeper and more meaningful friendships with people who can add light and positivity to my life. Not only that, I choose people who can enrich my mind and my soul – who can teach me new things and motivate me to be a better version of myself. I am too old for drama right now so I avoid the kinds of people who tend to create drama. I also avoid spending too much time on social media – that is one place where so much drama happens. The less time I spend on social media, the more time I have to enrich my life, and the more time I have to actually sit down and meet up with my friends.

I don’t apologise for the choices I choose to make. It might seem selfish. But I honestly do not believe that it is wrong for me to want something better for myself. A better reality for myself in which I am at peace, satisfied and serene. By simplifying my life, I am able to avoid unnecessary drama and focus on the important things in life. I maximise my time and effort on the things that matter so much to me and these are the things that give the most satisfaction to me. At the end of the day, all these worldly things are only temporary. The less I am attached and caught up in it, the better it is for me to focus on the hereafter. Keeping my life simple has made me become a better Muslim and a better human.

Kematian.

Sejak kebelakangan ini, aku sering memikir tentang kematian. Aku rasa aku mula banyak pikiran sejak mendengar berita kematian orang-orang muda – seorang polis trafik yang meninggal dunia pada usia 29 tahun semasa bertugas, dan selepas itu Shea Rasol seorang blogger fesyen dari Malaysia yang meninggal dunia akibat kanser. Macam-macam soalan di dalam otakku:

Macam mana tu rasanya mati?
Macam mana tu rasanya nyawa ditarik?
Macam mana tu rasanya kesakitan kematian?
Sedangkan Rasulullah sendiri takut akan kesakitan kematian and mendoa agar dimudahkan untuk menghadapi sakratul maut.
Sedangkan Rasulullah itu maksum dan itu pun rasa kesakitan itu sangat teruk sampai Rasulullah sendiri tidak mahu ummat baginda merasainya.
Macam mana tu rasanya di dalam kubur?
Menantikan hari dibangkitkan.
Berapa lama tu agaknya harus menunggu?
Sambil menahan siksaan kubur.
Sambil menahan rasa kesal.
Sambil menahan sebak kerana tiada orang boleh membantu.
Seorang je di situ.
Pekik terlolong pun tak guna.
Tak ada orang yang akan dengar.
Tak ada orang yang akan membantu.

Dulu aku pernah kata, aku tak takut apa-apa. Tak ada fobia pada apa-apa.
Sekarang, aku ada satu fobia. Iaitu phobia kematian.
Ye, memang semua orang akan mati. Tetapi, tak sanggup aku nak menahan process kematian, dan apa yang terjadi seterusnya. Aku pernah rasa sakit. Sakit dari segi fizikal. Sampai sekarang aku masih ingat sakit macam mana. Ya Allah, tak sanggup aku hidup menderita.

Aku takut. Really, honestly, betul-betul aku cakap. Aku takut. Takut mati.

The thought of going through pain on my own, all alone, worries me. Scares me.

Sebab tu aku cuba nak berubah dan menjadi insan yang baik. Aku sangat heran akan orang yang kata mereka takut mati tapi hidup macam dia tak takut mati.

Takpelah. Aku utamakan diriku dulu. Betulkan diriku. Buat yang terbaik untuk diriku. Untuk hidupku dan untuk matiku.

Today I lost the ability to feel anger.

It was a very interesting morning today. I don’t know if this is what’s called hikmah bulan Ramadhan but I found that I some how lost my rage. Read that, not lost temper. But lost rage. Like it disappered and I lost all ability to feel angry.

This morning when I took the bus to work , the person sitting next to me was occupying my seat with her bag and I had 3/4 of my ass on the seat. I’d usually feel a burning rage inside me but today, nope. Wanted to feel angry but nope. Tried to call on the rage, but nope rage wasn’t in. It was definitely an interesting experience – not being able to feel angry. Sure the brain interprets it as a situation where I deserved to be angry about but that feeling some how no longer exists.

Even when after I alighted the bus and saw the same bus number behind was almost empty, I wanted to feel angry but the feeling didn’t come. I am not sure what I experienced this morning, but it feels good. Because being angry takes a lot out of me. Being angry leaves me feeling tired and upset after that. Not being able to feel anger makes it much easier to just live and let live.

I hope this feeling continues, and if true it is due to my puasa and bulan Ramadhan yang penuh hikmah ini, then God I wish every day was Ramadhan. Bahagia wei. That feeling of inner peace that I had longed for – it’s finally here and it’s surprisingly really good.

Cryptic Cosmetics Lip Veil.

Vegan Cruelty-Free Paraben-Free Lip Veil (read: Liquid Lipstick)

I wouldn’t have found out about this brand if it had not gone viral on FB. I saw an article that featured this brand and its lip veils. I looked through the colours that was in its range and I was hooked. When I went on the website to see more stuff, I was disappointed to see that so much was out of stock. Typical Singaporean logic: if sold out = must be good right?

So I waited out for a while after before I went back on the site. Lo and behold, the lip veils were restocked and guess what? There was a sale going on. Ape lagiii I went to buy lah! There was a quantity limit though – 2 quantity per item per person. So no choice, I got 2 of the colours that I wanted to try.

Shipment was great! Tracking was so on point. I thought I was gonna have a courier knock on my door so I stupidly waited the whole day. Only later I realised that the tracking number showed that the product had already been delivered and the next day I checked my letter box to find it sitting beautifully there.

The packaging was just gorgeous. Right from the simple black box down to the lip veil bottle itself.

IMG_2459

A little dent in the box, but hey it survived the flight from US all the way to SG.

IMG_2462

Beauty for the Obscure, indeed. Much underground, this is.

IMG_2467

2 Qty ea of 2 Shades

IMG_2471

I bought 2 shades one is Tortured Soul and the other is Gore Couture.

I picked the former because it had a purplish hue and I was looking for something purple that was dark and greyish. So I decided to give this one a try.

IMG_2474

As for Gore Couture, it looked more pinkish. It was apparently a fan favourite so I got to give it a try as well.

IMG_2475

When I unboxed it, it reminded me of Kat Von D and Huda Beauty. The embossed rose on the cap was just similar to the KVD one that I had – not complaining though because I looove that design. Such understated elegance. And the frosted glass looked reminded me of the HB range.

IMG_2477IMG_2478

What shocked me though… was its size. It was really small. Like those mini lippies. I didn’t check its volume before purchasing them and that was when the regret started kicking in. I told myself not to get pissed off and to give them a go to see how well they work. For the price that I had to pay per ml for this lip veil, damn it better be good.

IMG_2488

Top: Tortured Soul; Bottom: Gore Couture

First thing that got me when I opened the cap, was the smell. Oooohhhh damn it was delicious. It smelled like chocolate to me. Sooo delicious. It was like putting on chocolate on my lips. The doe-foot applicator was pretty sharp at the edges, and soft like the KVD one so it was really good to swatch it over the lips especially at the corners and to make a sharp V at the Cupid’s Bow. Because the bottle was smaller, the applicator was shorter as well and that helps in controlling the applicator wand when applying the lip veil. I tried on Tortured Soul first. It was very well pigmented – I could overdraw my lips without having to draw on with a lip pencil. I was kind of disappointed though that the Tortured Soul colour did not look purple on my lips at all and ended up looking just brown. I guess it would only look good on very fair people. Sigh, the problem about lipstick. I realise it always looks different in pictures and in real life because pictures always feature fair skinned people, or very dark skinned people but very few show the shades in between those two.

IMG_2489

Nope, no purple. Just… brown.

A few days later, I put on Gore Couture and wore it to work as a test to see how long it can last. Which turned out to be not very long. I bought breakfast on the way to work. It was during that time that I felt that the lipstick was starting to feel dry on my lips. When I reached the office and started on my breakfast, all hell broke loose. The lipstick transferred to my custard brioche, to my fork, and to my cup. What made it worse was that the lipstick fell off in tiny flakes which then also fell onto my office desk. So when I wiped the flakes off the table, there were streaks of red on my table. It was such a disaster. And a major disappointment too! What’s the point of wearing a lipstick that doesn’t last? And an expensive one at that.

The aftermath of it was worse. This was how my lips looked like after eating (picture below). A whole chuck of lipstick got transferred. And what’s left, smudged around my lips. I looked like someone punched me in the mouth. It was such a hot mess. I was so pissed off with the flakey bits falling off my face and dropping everywhere – messing up my desk. I paid so much for this? Disappointing. On the plus side though, it was easy to remove. I was so pissed off with the mess on my face so I took a regular wet wipes (not even the make up removal kind) and wiped the damn thing off my face. It came off so easily.

IMG_2544

Wtf is this sia, srsly.

Verdict? A NO-NO. Bought it to try it. And regretted it. Not value for money. I could spend my money on better brands like KVD. I would say it would be great only if you are fasting so you don’t eat and mess up your lippie, yet still easily removable for you to take wudhuk and perform your solat. It would work for Ramadhan then. Lol.