An Open Letter to R.

Dear R,
I’m sorry for what happened between us. I know that I was such a coward and I didn’t handle things well between us. I’m truly very sad for our friendship ending in that way. Just know that in spite of what happened, I still leave the door open for both of us. But our friendship will not be the same way as it used to be. I have changed – I am no longer the person I was before – so I cannot reciprocate in the same way any more.

I am writing this open letter to you, knowing fully that the chance of you reading this would be so slim. But even if you do, and even if you could read, I know that you will misread and misunderstand what I say here and we’d end up arguing again. I am writing it anyway because there were so many things that I wanted to say to you but I just couldn’t be upfront with you about it. I just couldn’t. This whole matter was more about me, and I didn’t want unnecessary drama, as your life has enough drama as it is. I would like to find some peace within myself by talking about this in a safe space and letting this burden go.

I have to be honest with myself about myself. I regret that you have always been honest with me, but I have never been with you. I hope you understand that I am not as simple and kind as you, and for me not being always honest is a defense mechanism. You were someone I had met on the internet, and there was very little information about your background for me to check and verify. You were a complete stranger. You didn’t have any at all except for that strand of history of your uncle that you said worked at my previous company but I have no idea who he is. You were a complete stranger to me. And so I thought, hey why not? You had no links to me and so I could just up and leave and not leave a trace. Thus, I agreed to be your fuck buddy. And I wished that things had stayed that way.

I thought I can do fuck buddies. Every single time, I think I’d be ok. But guess what? That was just a fallacy in my head. Truth is, I just can’t do fuck buddies. It hurts to admit the truth because I’d always saw myself as a strong woman who could fuck anyone I want and just leave like any other guy. Guess I’m not like that. Deep deep down inside me I want to be loved by a man. It hurts me knowing that I’m seeking the love I want from a non-existent lover for a short limited time with any ‘friend’ willing to do that favour for me. It’s kind of like a drug where I just take it and enjoy the high. But when I come down from the high, I crash into the floor – hard.

You came into my life at a time when I was very vulnerable – I just came out from a breakup. In my folly, I was just looking for something to fill up that void. I thought I’d just have fun with you until I get bored of you and leave. We both said we’d just be friends. And I wished you’d have kept it at that by treating me as just as a friend. But you were too kind, too sweet, and you’d say all the sweet nice things when we cuddle. Pft, cuddle! We’d cuddle! Who does that? You treated me like the wife you wish you’d had. To be honest, things were really good when we treated each other as just friends. When I helped you out, it was on the account that you were my friend. But over time, you got more affectionate with me. Giving me nicknames, and even telling me you “sayang” me. I couldn’t deal with that.

The more affectionate you were with me, the more it hurt me inside. The more miserable I felt about what I didn’t have. And it was made even worse when I realised that I couldn’t have what I want with you. You couldn’t be what I desired. You weren’t in a place to give me what I wanted. And in so many other aspects you didn’t have I looked for in a partner. We were not compatible. But you and your affection and your kindess and your full trust in me played up the fallacy in my head. It made me even more aware for what my heart truly aches for and made me hate myself for playing into the fallacy when my consciousness knew full well that this is only an idea in my head that would never ever materialise.

I couldn’t deal with that. So I couldn’t continue being friends with you and helping you sort your life out. You were a constant reminder of how pathetic my life was or had become. I wanted a different reality for myself. I wanted to be truly honest with myself. I wanted to learn to seek solace with God and to heal my aching heart.

I’m sorry you got involved in all of this. And you didn’t know the storms that were going on inside of me. I’m sorry that I left without truly explaining to you what happened. I’m sorry you were a crutch for me in my vulnerability – a tool to be used only for that particular time. I’m sorry you were a casualty in all of this. I pray to God that you will find it in your heart to forgive me and move on. I hope you do not think that henceforth all women are like me. I do enjoy the friendship that we had for that brief moment in time. I appreciate it. Things happen in a particular moment in time and they all happen for a reason. I think we are both now at different places in time, and we can no longer be friends in the same way again. Once again, I truly hope and pray that you will forgive me and move on. I wish you the best in your life journey. May God make things easy for you, and not make it difficult for you.

The What-Could-Have-Beens.

To say that I’ve gotten over seeing my first ex married and on his honeymoon is a lie.

It still hurt. It does sting.

Every single time I look at the Instagram pictures, I am reminded of the-what-could-have-beens. The things that he is doing right now with his wife, the places he has gone/is going with his wife, were what I had always wanted to do. It always made me wish I was in his wife’s place right now. I feel a lot of envy. And a lot of anger too – that I was not the chosen person to be with. It makes me wonder if I had made the wrong decision. Because it was I, who initiated the breakup. It was I who chose to walk away. I feel like I had it coming for myself.

But then, I remember. I remember all the things he did to me when we were together. I remember how he treated me. I remember the double standards. I wasn’t allowed to do the things that he could. The restrictions he placed on me. The unwarranted jealousy he had for the bros I hung out with. I remember the constant derision that I was new to being in a relationship (was my first, but it wasn’t for him) and I didn’t know that what I was doing. That whatever I did was inappropriate for a relationship. I remember how he made me wait for him because he was so busy and I stupidly waited for him for 8 months with barely any interaction between us. And even the bare interactions we had were initiated by me, and always were very short.

Maybe he is different now. I wouldn’t know. He could have become different when he is with a different person. But definitely not with me. Maybe we were both too different for each other. Maybe I had my own path that I wanted to go to, while he had his. Maybe I didn’t fit into his plan, and he didn’t fit mine either. So many maybes, but either way we were not meant for each other.

I have to keep reminding myself why I left him. And to never regret the decision to do so. Truth be told, I never realised how damaging he had been until I met someone new and that person showed me a different reality that I could have. The kindness, gentleness, and goodness of that new person made me realise how badly I had been treated in my previous relationship. I was silly to consider that what he had done to me was acceptable in a relationship.

It might seem through Instagram that he has a good life now. But well, social media platforms are always curated, are they not? And I have to constantly keep reminding myself about that. I do hope that he has changed. And that he treats his now-wife good. Not the way he did to me. Behind the pictures on Instagram, I can never know how things really are like.

I try to find peace in myself. I try to find my peace and move on. I try not to think of the what-could-have-beens, and the only thing that keeps me going is the reminders that I give myself daily. I try to think of him in a good way, and to focus on the good memories we shared. I try not to be angry. I try not to hurt. But I am only human. Some days, I allow myself be human in order for me to keep my sanity.

I am still learning to accept that we are exactly where we are supposed to be. It is much harder to actually do it than to preach it.