To say that I’ve gotten over seeing my first ex married and on his honeymoon is a lie.
It still hurt. It does sting.
Every single time I look at the Instagram pictures, I am reminded of the-what-could-have-beens. The things that he is doing right now with his wife, the places he has gone/is going with his wife, were what I had always wanted to do. It always made me wish I was in his wife’s place right now. I feel a lot of envy. And a lot of anger too – that I was not the chosen person to be with. It makes me wonder if I had made the wrong decision. Because it was I, who initiated the breakup. It was I who chose to walk away. I feel like I had it coming for myself.
But then, I remember. I remember all the things he did to me when we were together. I remember how he treated me. I remember the double standards. I wasn’t allowed to do the things that he could. The restrictions he placed on me. The unwarranted jealousy he had for the bros I hung out with. I remember the constant derision that I was new to being in a relationship (was my first, but it wasn’t for him) and I didn’t know that what I was doing. That whatever I did was inappropriate for a relationship. I remember how he made me wait for him because he was so busy and I stupidly waited for him for 8 months with barely any interaction between us. And even the bare interactions we had were initiated by me, and always were very short.
Maybe he is different now. I wouldn’t know. He could have become different when he is with a different person. But definitely not with me. Maybe we were both too different for each other. Maybe I had my own path that I wanted to go to, while he had his. Maybe I didn’t fit into his plan, and he didn’t fit mine either. So many maybes, but either way we were not meant for each other.
I have to keep reminding myself why I left him. And to never regret the decision to do so. Truth be told, I never realised how damaging he had been until I met someone new and that person showed me a different reality that I could have. The kindness, gentleness, and goodness of that new person made me realise how badly I had been treated in my previous relationship. I was silly to consider that what he had done to me was acceptable in a relationship.
It might seem through Instagram that he has a good life now. But well, social media platforms are always curated, are they not? And I have to constantly keep reminding myself about that. I do hope that he has changed. And that he treats his now-wife good. Not the way he did to me. Behind the pictures on Instagram, I can never know how things really are like.
I try to find peace in myself. I try to find my peace and move on. I try not to think of the what-could-have-beens, and the only thing that keeps me going is the reminders that I give myself daily. I try to think of him in a good way, and to focus on the good memories we shared. I try not to be angry. I try not to hurt. But I am only human. Some days, I allow myself be human in order for me to keep my sanity.
I am still learning to accept that we are exactly where we are supposed to be. It is much harder to actually do it than to preach it.